It’s been a long, hard winter here at the Powell Academy. The gray winter days coupled with my gray dismal attitude have proven to be an almost lethal combo. I have found myself battling spiritually on several fronts lately, with our decision to homeschool being at the top of the list. In complete honesty, I have been ready to throw in the towel…chalk it up as a loss and find a new game to play (mostly because I hate to lose!!).
Along the way, God has been working in my heart and showing me so many areas where I am completely self-deceived.
This past Sunday, we had the awesome privilege of hearing J.R. Vassar preach at The Village Church (http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/sermons). In typical God fashion, his sermon was right on target with a truth God has been showing me through Timothy Keller’s book Counterfeit Gods. God has used both Vassar and Keller to hit me head on with one of the biggest idols I serve: the glory of man. I, like the Pharisees in John 12:43, love the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.
What does this have to do with my gray homeschool experience?
Great question. I wondered that myself.
But, as I have pondered all of the fronts on which I have been grinding, the spot light has shone repeatedly on this one truth: I have a serious need to be validated. I need people to praise me. When I am not validated by others’ opinions of me, I begin to feel completely insecure. At the end of this slippery slope, I begin to question the very reason for my existence. If I am not important to people, then I have no value. I am worthless.
Guess what. My kids do not wake up in the morning and tell me what a wonderful mother I am and how much they appreciate my quitting my job to stay home with them everyday and teach them. They never tell me what an awesome job I’ve done making Algebra come to life in such an original and exciting way! They do not evaluate my performance and let me know that I am a leader in the field of teaching…the best they’ve ever seen!
In fact, most days it is quite the opposite. They let me know that they would like to return to public school. They might even cry when my explanation of Math just doesn’t make sense to them. They often will grumble and complain when I tell them that we will indeed be doing all of our subjects today! Their eyes roll and their feet stomp when they are asked to do something they might not enjoy. My children do not validate my homeschooling efforts!
My children do not validate me.
My children do not validate me because my children were never meant to.
Seeking from my children (or my job, or my spouse, or my friends, or anyone/anything else) what can only be found in the cross of Jesus Christ is trading the glory of God for the glory of man.
It’s not that getting accolades is a bad thing. But, when my complete worth is wrapped around receiving these accolades, then the glory of man has become my idol.
And, I have been completely enslaved to it my entire life.
I have never truly believed that my worth is found solely and completely in the cross of Christ. His dying for me shows that I am valuable to Him. My life is validated because of His death.
My prayer is that God would give me the faith to find my worth solely in Him and the grace to pass that truth on to my children.
Since my idolatry has been exposed, my attitude about homeschooling has improved dramatically. I know that God called me to educate my children at home, and whatever His purposes might be, I am almost certain they are not to make me a hero. Being released from that pressure has allowed me to relax and enjoy this time with my kids. I have even started thinking about the possibilities of what we might learn next year. (But don’t tell the kids, I don’t want to give them anything else to complain about!)
Ok, I know this is not what you’re seeking…but very well-said! Great truth…definitely something I needed to hear and something I struggle with as well. Thanks!!
Comment by Emily — March 16, 2010 @ 4:51 pm |